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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 287

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
Informative:	0
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Funny-rating:	0
Friendly:	17

(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2018-03-15 [Pied Crow]: I don't like mushrooms, though... It's okay if you do, I guessssss...

2018-03-15 [Yuriona]: I do like mushrooms! Only for eating though. I can't say I'm very friendly with them.

2018-03-16 [Mortified Penguin]: MY PORTOBELLOS!!

Darn you, they were still acidulating! *slaps Yuriona with a studded dueling glove*

2018-03-16 [Yuriona]: Darn you, it was Turkey who was licking them. *slaps Mort with a frozen lake trout*

2018-03-17 [Pied Crow]: Oh? Hey, Turkey-bird! Lick the fish!

2018-03-19 [Mortified Penguin]: The comments here have slacked off as of late. I'm clearly going to have to come up with some clever new spamming campaign.

*bandages up his various trout wounds (unrelated to Yuri's trout assualt)*

*almost puts a bandage on a bass wound, but catches himself just in time*

Whoa, I almost put a bandage on that bass wound... but I caught myself just in time!

2018-03-19 [Nuktae-tal]: I got it! *slaps bandaid that is too small on Bass wound* done!

2018-03-20 [Pied Crow]: It's not my fault Turkey-bird realized I'm leading him on!

2018-03-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *pulls on lead*

2018-03-21 [Pied Crow]: Don't do that, it might be super-poisoned!

2018-03-21 [Nuktae-tal]: *licks lead too* hmmmm my favorite.... poison anything!

2018-03-21 [Pied Crow]: Don't make us threaten to threaten to tell Mort-bird to confiscate your tongue!

2018-03-23 [Nuktae-tal]: Ha! As if he's care about my poison! Or mouth! Stupid pie... you don't even have a proper filling!

2018-03-23 [Pied Crow]: You take that back! I...! No, no, wait, you're actually quite spot on with that... Hum...

2018-03-23 [Yuriona]: You mean you're not filled with 4 and 20 black birds??

2018-03-23 [Nuktae-tal]: Just worms!

2018-03-24 [Pied Crow]: Don't you walk through my words! I have bread and crackers, as well!

2018-03-24 [Nuktae-tal]: Hahaha I lovce to walk

2018-03-25 [Pied Crow]: I used to be a lovcer of walking like you, then I took a tire iron to the bird kneecaps.

2018-03-26 [Mortified Penguin]: Wait, that's not a pie... that's a cake!!

*rips Pie's head off, revealing a secret corpse hidden beneath his mask*

Huh... I guess he was a pie after all...

*shrugs and tosses him on the corpse pile with all the rest of the pies*

2018-03-26 [Sagacious Turkey]: Hmm?! *looks up from a mouthful of pie*

2018-03-26 [Nuktae-tal]: Turkey pot pie counts right?

2018-03-26 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't serve pots here, only vases. Also, pies apparently. Sweet cherry pies...

2018-03-26 [Sagacious Turkey]: Oh, thank goodness. I thought this might be strawberry or something. *goes back to gnawing through a kidney bone*

2018-03-26 [Sagacious Turkey]: There's probably a joke to be made about those 420 blackbirds and all these pots, but I can't think of one because I'm too drunk from all this marijuana I just shot up...

2018-03-26 [Nuktae-tal]: Fine I'll take a vase then... filled with Turkey crow

2018-03-26 [Mortified Penguin]: Ah yes, a vasturcro. Excellent choice, sir. *grabs one of the pre-prepared vasturcros off the warmer and wraps it up with old newspapers*

That's free, of course, but we'll have to charge you $20 in taxes. Also, $35 for the food. Which is $65. Plus tax, that comes out to $127. Will that be cash or a brutal stabbing in the parking lot on your way home tonight?

2018-03-26 [Nuktae-tal]: Brutal stabbing I should think! My word service has gotten bad! I wasn't even yelled at at all! This place is just becoming rubbish!

2018-03-26 [Pied Crow]: Errrr... Well. Looks like the murder of one crow has become one murdered crow! How dare you. I was saving my murder for a kaiju!

2018-03-27 [Nuktae-tal]: Listen... nothing is sacred anymore, at all.

2018-03-28 [Pied Crow]: Well, whose fault is that? Oh, it's the bleeding heart's fault. Don't worry, you reckless dove, you'll be free from your ice prison some day.

2018-03-28 [Mortified Penguin]: The hell it will! *throws the dove into the freezer and locks the door*

*it starts clanging its tin cup against the bars annoyingly*

YOU'LL STAY LOCKED UP UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHO KEEPS STEALING ALL THE COLD IN THERE!

2018-03-28 [Mortified Penguin]: *some protesters hold up their lighters and start chanting "FREE BIRD!"*

NO SOLICITORS!

*bashes one of them with his guitar*

Damn lazy Marxists, ruining this country...

*spits on the framed portrait of Groucho Marx hanging in the lobby by the elevator*

2018-03-28 [Mortified Penguin]: ......MY SACRED MENU!!

2018-03-28 [Mortified Penguin]: .........MY SACREDER STATUS REPORTS!!! Now how will people know how poorly we're doing?!

2018-03-29 [Nuktae-tal]: Yay!! We are all poor now!! Thanks Bernie! Feel the Burn! *sets California on fire*

2018-03-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *spits on the signed, framed portrait of California hanging in Conference Room D*

2018-03-29 [Nuktae-tal]: I have posted. I have stated.

2018-03-29 [Pied Crow]: Free bird!

2018-03-29 [Mortified Penguin]: What did I just say?! *bashes PieCro with a golden violin he won one time in a fiddle contest*

2018-03-29 [Pied Crow]: But, I can't change! Lord knows it.

2018-03-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Fly high, sky nyrd... fly high.

*shoves you out the 20th story window*

2018-03-29 [Nuktae-tal]: *attempts to catch bird cro from the tenth story window* dammit I wanted fast food!!

2018-03-30 [Pied Crow]: No fair, man, crows can't fly when they're bashed with fiddle contest awards!

2018-03-30 [Mortified Penguin]: My grandpa used to fly uphill both ways in the snow every day after a good fiddle bashin' and he never had no troubles. Right up until he got sucked into that jetliner engine... *eats ramen, just like Pappy Penguin used to do*

2018-03-30 [Nuktae-tal]: *steals ramen and eats it faster*

2018-03-30 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't eat so fast, you might choke! I SAID YOU MIGHT CHOKE! LISTEN TO ME, DAMN YOU!! *violently strangles Nukt*

2018-03-30 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-03-31 [Pied Crow]: Were you saying Pappy Penguin was a crow? Interessant besonderrrrrs...

2018-03-31 [Mortified Penguin]: NO? I'm not some filthy mudblood, I'm a purebred king penguin and I have the papers to prove it. *pulls out a wad of napkins*

2018-03-31 [Mortified Penguin]: My grandpa on my mom's side was a bald eagle though... *stares obsessively at his receding featherline in the mirror*

2018-03-31 [Nuktae-tal]: *whispers* bald eagles aren't bald. They are just convincing liers

2018-03-31 [Alexi Ice]: Comment

2018-04-01 [Pied Crow]: Right... Next, you'll be telling me that pied crow aren't actual pies.

2018-04-01 [Nuktae-tal]: *speaks normally* What you think I'm an ornithologist suddenly?! *whispers* I'm not one.

2018-04-01 [Mortified Penguin]: I am though, and in my professional opinion, GET BACK TO WORK. *throws a mop at Necktie* SWEEP THE SOUP!

AND KROW, GO SPITSHINE THE HOTDOGS, THEY'RE STARTING TO RUST!

AND ALEXI, YOU TAKE A PERSONAL DAY. I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG IN THAT CAR ACCIDENT AND WE AT BOB'S DINER CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT OUR EMPLOYEES TO RISK THEIR HEALTH OR SAFETY BY MAKING THEM WORK THREE CONSECUTIVE SHIFTS IN THE DIAMOND MINES. YOU CAN COME BACK TOMORROW, BUT YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO WORK A QUADRUPLE SHIFT AT SEVERELY REDUCED PAY.

*EATS RAMEN*

2018-04-01 [Nuktae-tal]: Everyone gets so spoiled around here!

2018-04-02 [Alexi Ice]: I’m gonna work for a week with no pay

2018-04-02 [Sheamus Finn]: Now I see why Paco quit....

2018-04-02 [Pied Crow]: Trying to make the rest of us look bad...

*shines the hotdogs, but doesn't spit on them*

2018-04-02 [Nuktae-tal]: *wears shiney uniform and bright smile* HAHA the tables have turned!! Now the customers wear uniforms!

2018-04-02 [Sagacious Turkey]: Take that tinfoil off and turn those tables back to their proper orientations! We don't waste tinfoil here! Aluminum foil, sure, but not tinfoil.

2018-04-02 [Sagacious Turkey]: Sheesh, lazy employees... *goes back to busting his hump up into a series of smaller, more manageable humps*

2018-04-02 [Nuktae-tal]: Nnnoooo my lovely lady humps!!!

2018-04-03 [Mortified Penguin]: They weren't that lovely. I'd give 'em a solid 4/11. Too lumpy for my tastes.

2018-04-05 [Pied Crow]: I wouldn't happen to be eligible for compensation if I had, say, gotten infected by licking rusty hotdogs?

2018-04-05 [Sheamus Finn]: Hey, what you do off the clock is between you and those rusty dogs....

2018-04-05 [Mortified Penguin]: "Compensation"?! "Off the clock"?! I don't know what the hell you people are talking about, but someone better finish fellating those dogs. *points at a pack of mangy dogs happily paddling around in the soup*

2018-04-05 [Mortified Penguin]: *pops one of the dogs upside the head*

I SAID PADDLING, NOT BACKSTROKING! THIS IS SWIMMING 101, NOT SWIMMING 102! You're a show dog, not a showboat.

*the dog whimpers and shuts off his motor*

2018-04-05 [Sagacious Turkey]: Wait, we're serving dog soup now? Did we run out of the cheaper meats? Great, and I'm sure everybody just expects me to be the one to restock the meat freezer... again... UGH! *punts Tiny Tim out the window*

I'll be back... *angrily grabs his hunting rifle off the weapon rack and heads down to the local zoo*

2018-04-05 [Nuktae-tal]: Hunt me some more lumpy ladies!!

2018-04-05 [Sheamus Finn]: Make it some lumpy grumpy ladies....

2018-04-05 [Nuktae-tal]: What did you call me pheasent?!

2018-04-06 [Pied Crow]: *enjoying some ice cream while watching the reptilian exhibit*

2018-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *cooks ramen the proper way*

*eats pot*

2018-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1523051394.jpg>

2018-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go. Some more quality content... You owe me, Sheamus. I posted these for you. You racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic xenomorph.

2018-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1523052552.gif>

2018-04-06 [Nuktae-tal]: Hahahaha!!!

2018-04-07 [Pied Crow]: Xenomorphs? *returns from reptilian exhibit*

If that's true, what's a xenomorph doing here with all these birds?

2018-04-07 [~Crimson Angel~]:

I wish I held you in my arms
My heart would be aquiver
And if I held you near the shore
I'd throw you in the river

2018-04-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: *grabs some arrows out of Misty's heart and launches them from his bow into the neck of a mighty giraffe*

*it flails about for a moment, screeching wildly, before collapsing in a pool of its own juices and also some grapefruit juice*

*starts to drag it back to the diner by its neck, but suddenly a zookeeper starts shouting*

"Did you just shoot that giraffe?!"

No?!

"Okay then, my apologies. Be sure to stop by the gift shop on your way out."

*goes back to dragging the corpse away*

*doesn't even stop by the gift shop*

2018-04-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Excellent, I've been needing some grapefruit flavored long necked moose for a while, so I can finally make my famous pamplemousse moose mousse & couscous. *pulls out a small blender and starts stuffing the giraffe in feet first*

2018-04-08 [Nuktae-tal]: Yay new menu item!

2018-04-08 [Mortified Penguin]: If only we had a menu... *shrugs and dumps the blender out in the trash can/Misty's mouth*

2018-04-08 [~Crimson Angel~]: That wasn't my mouth, that was my favorite pair of shoes! How rude!

2018-04-08 [Nuktae-tal]: Misty... your changed since your pokemon days!

2018-04-09 [~Crimson Angel~]: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

2018-04-11 [Mortified Penguin]: At least she doesn't go wandering about in short shorts anymore.

2018-04-11 [Mortified Penguin]: I choose you, Charmander!

*violently hurls a Pokeball at the wall, breaking it into several pieces*

...

...I choose you, Pikachu!

*gently tosses a second Pokeball to the floor*

"Pika?"

Go clean the bathroom, you little shit. *spears it in the head with a mop*

2018-04-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm... maybe I should just hide everything that isn't the stats... though, [Teufelsweib] did work really hard on that banner... and I did work really hard on that limerick 14 years ago...

2018-04-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Also, don't forget to take this very important poll: <poll:77451>

2018-04-12 [Pied Crow]: Oh. Don't bother mentioning how hard I worked on those copy-paste report templates! No respect!

2018-04-12 [Pied Crow]: Hey, that poll doesn't list the very exact kind of answer unique to my person! I can't believe you couldn't foresee this.

2018-04-12 [Mortified Penguin]: I did, it's just Elftown wouldn't let me add a sweet synth beat as an answer for some reason.

2018-04-12 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-04-12 [Sagacious Turkey]: There, I contributed. Also, has anyone attacked Misty lately? I feel like she hasn't been attacked enough.

2018-04-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Make Misty do it, my harpooning arm isn't what it used to be. It's now a soup ladle.

2018-04-12 [Pied Crow]: Aw, that's a cute pic!

*points directly at the dinosaur*

2018-04-13 [Nuktae-tal]: What is going on in this place!

2018-04-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: We were trying to discuss the conflict in Syria before you so rudely interrupted.

2018-04-13 [Nuktae-tal]: I was talking about the health code violations not you corrupt politics!

2018-04-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Health code violations?! Name one time we've ever violated a code, health or otherwise!

2018-04-14 [Nuktae-tal]: There's at least a thousand people not wearing hair nets in this place! Just hard hats!

2018-04-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, but those are just the cancer kids that haul the carts out of the diamond mine out back, they don't even have hair.

2018-04-14 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-04-14 [Mortified Penguin]: I haven't spammed this place in a while... [Yuriona]! Remind me to send out some more mass invites from a few clone accounts.

2018-04-14 [Yuriona]: [Mortified Penguin] don't you dare spam Elftown members from your illicitly gained clone houses! I'll ban [Sagacious Turkey] for being an annoying spammer!

2018-04-14 [Nuktae-tal]: Down with the anonymous spammers!!

2018-04-14 [Mortified Penguin]: There, I bought up all the Elftown ads again. I'm sure this'll generate tons of new traffic.

2018-04-14 [Mortified Penguin]: TONS.

2018-04-15 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait!! U.S. British or the Metric Tonne?

2018-04-15 [Pied Crow]: Oh, no! All those freeloaders no longer have a space to advertise in! Now, how will people discover Toxic Tales and their Vincent Price Shrine?! What other way will people see that Buttersafe is made by people, for people?!

2018-04-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Bob's Diner doesn't recognize the metric system. Or Britain.

Apparently, Safebooru got the most clicks, but cost so much that my whole $5 budget was gone within 24 hours. Now all my ads are gone. BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE ALL THESE NEW COMMENTERS THOUGH.

2018-04-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Actually, "Cloud Sixteen Forums" and "Peter is the Wolf (adults-only version)" were more expensive, but got no clicks whatsoever...

2018-04-15 [Mortified Penguin]: There, invested another whole $5. Now to sit back and wait for thousands and thousands if not dozens of comments to roll in.

2018-04-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Yup. Aaaaaany minute now.

2018-04-15 [Sheamus Finn]: Maybe, it's a slow ad clicking day?

2018-04-15 [Mortified Penguin]: AAAAAAANY MINUTE NOW.

2018-04-15 [Sheamus Finn]: Was the cash from our 401K's?

2018-04-16 [Nuktae-tal]: You got a 401k?! I only got a 4!

2018-04-16 [~Crimson Angel~]: I wish I was a birdie
Up in the sky so blue
I'd fly over my teacher's head
You know what birdies do!

2018-04-16 [Pied Crow]: I wonder how much $10 is worth in friscal comments...

2018-04-16 [Sheamus Finn]: friscal? fractal? What is the true worth of a comment? Nay, I asked the monster, "What is it you want Monster!!" And that monster looked back at me and said, "I need about three fifty."

2018-04-16 [Mortified Penguin]: I wish it only cost tree fitty, but clearly $10 doesn't even get one new comment. Guess I'll just go back to spamming/threatening Elftowners for free.

2018-04-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I don't know why you even want more comments when you could clearly recycle these old ones! I mean clean out the elftown ocean for once Most! Just once!

2018-04-16 [Mortified Penguin]: I could never bring myself to be repetitive like that... *eats ramen*

2018-04-16 [Mortified Penguin]: You'd think that joke would be funnier, since I've previously made a joke about not being repetitive and then ate ramen and have now repeated the same joke, adding more layers to it... but... it's not... *eats Play-Doh ramen*

2018-04-16 [Mortified Penguin]: ...shut up, Misty, my mother is a SAINT! She works down at the church... jerking off guys out back for crack money.

2018-04-17 [Nuktae-tal]: *Makes more play doh noodles and keeps adding them to the bowl*

2018-04-17 [The Dizzy Raven]: *pops up out of nowhere and steals noodles*

2018-04-17 [Pied Crow]: ........

"I saw that!"

*stares blankly into the distance*

2018-04-17 [~Crimson Angel~]: <img:stuff/aj/88645/1523953698.gif>

2018-04-17 [Sheamus Finn]: I bet that's what some of the guys behind the church say.....

2018-04-17 [Nuktae-tal]: Are you talking about the priests talking to the little boys about virginity?

2018-04-18 [Mortified Penguin]: HEY! As a devout Catholic, I take offense to that. But as a devout liar, I don't care.

2018-04-18 [Nuktae-tal]: Hahahaha your welcome!

2018-04-19 [Sir Soapy]:

2018-04-19 [Sir Soapy]: <img:stuff/aj/57625/1524168985.jpg>

2018-04-19 [Sir Soapy]:

2018-04-19 [Nuktae-tal]: My buns! Bad anaconda!

2018-04-20 [Pied Crow]: Your buns! Good anaconda!

2018-04-20 [~Crimson Angel~]:

Hey Mort!

Roses are red, violets are blue
Sugar is sweet and so are you

But the roses are wilting
The violets are dead
The sugar bowl's empty
And so is your head

2018-04-20 [Sheamus Finn]: Not true....there's some bong resin over in the corner!!

2018-04-20 [Mortified Penguin]: Roses are brown.
Violets are brown.
Gardening is hard
And I can't rhyme.
Also, I'm not so great at poetry structure either,
But whatever.
Shut uppa you face!
But seriously, someone needs to do something about that anaconda in the kitchen...

2018-04-20 [Nuktae-tal]: He has my buns!!

2018-04-20 [Pied Crow]: Eh... The anaconda's a cutie, I'd leave him be.

Then again, I said the same thing about Deathwing, and look what happened to his kitchen. Hm...

2018-04-20 [Pied Crow]: Nah, I say leave the anaconda be.

2018-04-20 [Mortified Penguin]: *the anaconda starts trying to eat Misty*

Don't do it, snek! You'll choke!

2018-04-21 [Nuktae-tal]: Yay my buns have been freed! *crushes the bread*

2018-04-21 [Pied Crow]: ........... I'm interested in this.

2018-04-21 [~Crimson Angel~]: *the anaconda explodes from trying to eat the miss tea*

2018-04-21 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait was the bread crushed by the buns or the buns by the bread??

2018-04-21 [Nuktae-tal]: All I know is I rear ended a guy and my trunk got messed up... my junk fell out then the anaconda stole my buns hun!

2018-04-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Uh huh, uh huh. Of course. This all definitely adds up... *slowly reaches for his Employee Motivation Hammer*

2018-04-21 [Sagacious Turkey]: Just use the machete, I'm trying to do repairs here.

*goes back to hammering a railroad spike into a random segment of drywall*... *keeps hammering until the entire wall is nothing but a fine powder on the floor*...

*wipes his brow and takes a long swig off his bottle of Windex before taking the hammer to the floor*

2018-04-21 [Nuktae-tal]: Hahaha

2018-04-22 [Pied Crow]: Oh, Penguin-Bird? I want your Eragon comic finished so I can see how you draw dragons. Chop-chop! Stomp-stomp!

2018-04-22 [~Crimson Angel~]: How red is the rose
How deep is the well
Your feet are like flowers
'Cause boy do they smell!

2018-04-22 [Nuktae-tal]: no poetry allowed in here what does this look like a jam session! * throws jam jar at crimson*

2018-04-22 [Sheamus Finn]: Looks at his drum then lights it on fire....Nevermind....

2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *hundreds of ants start swarming the jam on the floor*

Do you want anteaters? Because this is how you get anteaters.

*goes back to not drawing anything ever again, not even conclusions or breaths*

2018-04-22 [Pied Crow]: You wouldn't stop drawing even blood, too, would you?!

2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *already died like four hours ago and can't respond*... *eats ramen*...

2018-04-22 [Nuktae-tal]: *puts anteater in his ramen that is also filled with ants* This will fix it.

2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *takes an antacid*

2018-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *Mort gains 1xp*

What's this?! Mort is evolving!

*Mort grows a second arm*

Finally! Two of these things!

*eats ramen with both arms*

2018-04-23 [Sheamus Finn]: Hold it, Penguin with two arms? doesn't that make him a matre d?

2018-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *slaps you with both hands at the same time*

Yes. Go bus table seven.

*tosses you the keys to the bus*

2018-04-24 [Mortified Penguin]: I SAID GO TRUCK TABLE 8, WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?! *double slaps [Pied Crow]*

2018-04-25 [Pied Crow]: Caaaw, caawwww!!!

*gives the truck a talon massage*

2018-04-25 [Mortified Penguin]: STOP YELLING, THIS IS A LIBRARY!!!

*spits at Misty*

*loses 1xp*

The fuck is this?! Mort is devolving!

*Mort's second arm shrivels up and falls off*

2018-04-25 [Mortified Penguin]: *throws the arm at Nuk*

Deliver that steak to table 89.

*points at a group of school children reading quietly by the non-fiction section*

2018-04-25 [Pied Crow]: I think I'm done giving the truck a new rim job, Boss. Is it good?

2018-04-26 [~Crimson Angel~]:

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Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy